(return to previous page)

Letter 5 – from Lt Col Jesse Arnstein USAF

There are those who stand behind the soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines who are indispensable.  Without these people the military wheels would grind to a halt in short time.  They share the sacrifices of those in uniform, but are rarely recognized.  These are the heroes behind the soldiers:  The spouses and children in military families.

Operation Enduring Freedom affects more than just those in uniform.  The sacrifices family members endure is inconceivable to most Americans.  How many people would take a job that required them to periodically leave their families for 2 to 12 months?   How would you react if your spouse took that job?  Just imagine for a moment that you had to explain to your spouse that you were leaving them for six months or more to be in a war zone.  Or picture yourself on the receiving end of such news.  Most people cringe at the thought of having to tell their spouse they will be gone a few nights.

And then there’s the children.  How do you explain to a nine year old that Daddy will gone through the summer and be back when you’re well into the next grade?  There will be no wave jumping in the ocean, no catching fireflies, and family vacations this summer.  And how does a 12 year old boy cope with not having a father around to take him to baseball games, help him with homework, and play catch?

And breaking the bad news is just the beginning.

For spouses who travel out of town occasionally, the homestead spouse (usually the wife) realizes how difficult it is to be a single parent.  Solo for children transportation, homework, cooking, cleaning, and sudden trouble.

But deployments requires the wife to persevere long-term, and become be a gardener, handyman, bill payer, mechanic, and all the other Man of the House roles.  Both the husband and wife are “holding down the fort,” one figuratively and one literally.

Add to this burden the heartache of missing your loved one, along with the anxiety of knowing your husband is in a war zone, and you have the makings of extreme stress.  And this stress combines with the lonesomeness of being alone on birthdays, Shabbat, children’s school plays, Passover, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, the High Holidays, and your wedding anniversary.

All military spouses face challenges similar to Jill’s. For some the situation is much worse.  Sergeant Linda Amherst is divorced with three children.  She has been deployed three times in the past five years.  Her 57-year old mother works a full-time job and cares for the three children.  There’s no other choice.  You can’t just quit the Army.

Families have to accept that their husband, wife or parent’s life belongs to the military.  This is can be particularly difficult because often the family members had no say in their loved one joining the service.   Jill and I began dating years after I had joined the Air Force.  It was not a joint decision.  And Aaron and Sarah were born into a military family.

What makes Jill all the more incredible is that she concurred with my decision to volunteer to go overseas.  She knew how much it meant to me, and while she didn’t want me to deploy, she agreed to support my decision.  (By the way, after I got my orders I realized that there was a slight miscommunication between Jill and I leading up to my offer to deploy.  Someday over a drink I’ll tell the story…..)

Jill’s strength, patience, and work ethic have been incredible and she has done a marvelous job coping with my absence.  But it’s been difficult.  Here is a June e-mail illustrating the struggles she faces:

“This deployment has been extremely challenging for me and after 2 1/2 months, it is taking its toll.  I literally feel like I go non-stop everyday handling numerous matters and details involving the house, the yard, bills, work paperwork and client meetings, the kids’ school and social activities, returning phone calls and emails, communicating w/Jesse (which has its own challenges), summer camp planning, food shopping and trying to find a few minutes a week for myself.

All this leaves me mentally and physically drained by the end of the week and while I like to think it will get better with time, I know in reality it probably won’t.  By the time mid August rolls around, I will probably be even more exhausted!”  

This moment of frustration was an aberration.  Generally Jill is coping satisfactorily.  How so?  It’s been the support of “The Reserves.”   The friends and family who have given Jill, Aaron and Sarah tremendous emotional and practical support.

Fortunately, every Shabbat Jill gets a respite as she has been hosted by the many families, including the Safiers, Greenbergs of Voorhees, Greenbergs of Cherry Hill, Aaronsons, Hammels, Wolfs, Peltz, Schwartz, Linbens, and Drachmans.

Jeff Aaronson took Aaron to see his favorite baseball team play in Baltimore (A’s won, 11-1) and is also planning to take him to Boston.  His family also hosted mine for Passover.

My brother in law David hosted the family for a week in Colorado

My sister Mimi and brother in law Parker came to Voorhees for three days to spoil Aaron and Sarah and will host them in Vermont for a week.

Barry Schechter is bringing meals and fun to the family next week.  As did my Aunt Janice, Uncle Don, and cousin Tammy  last month.

My pal Darren sent the kids personalized birthday gifts.

Betsy, Gordon, and Perry from the Jewish War Veterans have given Jill personal care and cleaned out our dryer vent.

Voorhees Mayor Mignogna paid special recognition to Aaron at school.

Our neighbors the Venutos, Rossignols, Greenbergs, and Abraham have all pitched in with home maintenance.

And so many friends and loved ones have lent Jill a sympathetic ear and encouraged her to endure.  My friend Bill, who doesn’t know Jill, just offered to take the kids to Chuck E Cheese for the day.

My deepest thanks go to this wonderful community that has helped Jill get through Operation Enduring Freedom.  This is genuine support of the troops in the most meaningful ways.  You are all true patriots.

I think about my family the most when I run in the morning at 0500.  The post is quiet, the air is still.  I’m alone.  I miss Jill, Aaron, and Sarah individually in different ways.  I miss my nine-year-old Sarah in the most tender way because she is innocent, and I’m missing the changes in her personality and appearance, and she expresses so much unconditional love.  I recall lying in bed with her in February, when only I knew the deployment was on the horizon, saying “I’m going to miss you,” with her hugging me and falling asleep together in her bed.  I run with the song “let her down easy” about a traveling father who loves his daughter and lets alone her innocent beliefs, resisting the urge to explain to her the cold truths of the world.  Sarah’s drawings are on my billeting quarters wall, and a picture of her smiling face is in my heart.  I sometimes shed a tear, but am comforted knowing she is in good hands at home.

Thank you all who care for my precious wife, son, and daughter.  You are MY heroes.